Solitary Confinement
by Perfectly Vain
Summary: Thoughts in Isolation. A Yaone fic. Really sad... r/r


Solitary Confinement  
  
Note: This is SO depressing, it would make Goku-san jealous... this fic doesn't matter to me anymore, i made this one ages ago, i finally finished it when Homura-san pulled out the depressing half of me earlier, blame him... thanking him would be more appropriate :p ... R/R  
  
disclaimer: I do NOT own saiyuki nor any of its characters... ;_;  
  
*****  
  
Solitary Confinement.  
  
Yaone looked at her master, who was sitting quietly on the balcony staring out on to the open. Yaone bowed discreetly and left her master's presence. She doesn't like to disturb anybody, especially Kougaiji. She would support him in every way she can. Even willing to die for him.  
  
Genuine loyalty.  
  
She sighs, she's used to it now. Always wearing a mask of happiness, her smile... her cover. She had never known genuine happiness... unlike others that she knew... She always smiles, happy for others... but all she gets are her own tears. She is a deceiver, of her own self and others. In truth, she was always jealous of those who found geniune happiness. She deceived herself, thinking that she's not worth it...  
  
She was always asked the question:  
  
"Why are you so loyal?"  
  
Why? she thought, as she walked through the corridor. Her inner self always asked the same question. She always... ALWAYS just ignores it. She always thinks that he deserves somebody... somebody who is much better that her...  
  
Somebody had asked her, "What do you gain from it?"  
  
I'm happy just to be at his side... even if he doesn't really see me... I'm perfectly fine with it... besides... who am I to complain? This is my version of happiness...  
  
What happiness? her brain echoed. Come to think of it, she never gave a second to think about herself. She fooled herself, thinking that she wasn't important. That Kougaiji should always come first. She was too disciplined.  
  
"Why don't you look for somebody else?"  
  
Nonsense. Kougaiji's the only one for her... there is nobody else. I don't give a damn about others.  
  
Loyalty... or is it just plain stupidity?  
  
No, she thought, shaking her head, I'd give my life for him... I have no  
  
regrets... I'll serve him forever.  
  
It's sad and pathetic... yes, that's true... everybody tells her to just tell him how she feels... not just admire him from afar and be trampled by others.  
  
That's easy for them to say...  
  
She can't. Who was she to tell him how she felt? Nobody. What was her position? A follower, never a lover. Rejection... she was always scared of it... that's why she keeps a distance... what can she do? she was scared to be rejected and make a fool out of herself. Atleast she still has a bit of her pride in herself, she scoffed.  
  
"Are you scared of rejection?"  
  
Yes...  
  
"Why? "  
  
I don't know... she thought. It's just that... I just know that I'm nothing to him...  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
It doesn't matter how I know... she thought angrily, It doesn't matter because it's me... I'm nothing... I'm a nobody... and will always be a nobody...  
  
She was once told a story... a story that burned deep into her... A young man liked a certain somebody, but was too scared to tell her. Then, she left him. He never told her that he liked her. Then, he found out that she liked him too, but from a friend's mouth that news came to him. He had always regretted all those time for not acting... if he had... then everything would have been different... but it was too late...  
  
What could she do? She knows he'll never return the feelings that she has for him. What would she gain by telling him? Humiliation... and rejection... more pain and sadness.  
  
Painful? Of course. But she was used to it. If her own happiness means the sadness of others, she'd rather be unhappy instead. She always thinks of other people first... She's used to it now...  
  
She had always been alone... nothing could change it.  
  
I don't care if I'm unhappy... I'll always be loyal to him... even if it makes me cry...  
  
  
  
~owari (end)  
  
author's note: sad, ne?? R/R :p 


End file.
